Girlfriend Checklist

Hello, dearest sweetheart. Since our relationship is doomed, and you refuse to give me an hour of your time this Saturday, I thought I'd just go ahead and compile this little list that'll be my guide after our inevitable breakup.

Non-negotiables:

1. Protestant. None of that Catholic bullshit. Look where that got us.
2. B-cup+. Preferably just a B-cup. Sorry, babe, but your tits really are small. It's just tragic. (And the irony is that you don't even want me touching them. What, afraid they'd shrink even more?) Don't take it personally.
3. Family first. You couldn't get along with my family, and you didn't want to. What the fuck is that? You are marrying into my family, not the other way around. And no, it's not a valid excuse that your family is a shitty one - and they're still excuses. You've been in my life for 3 years; my family was there all my life. They've supported me and loved me and put up with me with nary a word of complaint. To think I was ready and willing to turn my back on them for you. Funny what infatuation does to a man, innit? Well fuck that shit. I've wised up now. Nothing goes past the family without their green light.
4. Submissive. 
1. No, I'm not talking about a slave with no mind nor will of her own. I just want a girl who will do as I say when I say it. The last thing I need is a girl who'll bitch and moan at every single thing I tell her to do. You refuse to realize that a man has to lead the relationship. You know, like God intended. Every time I need you to do something important (e.g. to not "hang out" with a guy friend by going to the movies with him, go to church with me, etc.), I always have to explain why it's so important, and even so, you'd insist that it isn't at all. IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO DO AS I SAY?!
2. I've been a yes-man in the course of our relationship. When you get mad, I bow and scrape and do everything in my power to placate you. When I get mad, you get mad, and I end up doing the same. Fuck that.
3. She has to be supportive of my likes and hobbies. I realize that you had the best of intentions when you were bitching about them, but you haven't shown me an iota of support for my interests, not to mention my best friend. Consent and tolerance, yes. But nothing more.
4. You're too goddamned headstrong for your own good. You always require a lengthy dissertation as to why you should do this little thing I ask of you. You are not my boss.
5. Affectionate. 
1. Loving you is like loving a block of ice. My dick is mad at you for being neglected, and it's known Rosie and her five sisters all his life, and I suspect he'll stay neglected even after we're married. Every time we make out, you were holding back a lot. It's as if I'm putting you in an arm bar. And when I finally decided to stop that altogether (because I couldn't put up with your incessant bitching anymore), you talked as if I coerced you into it. Well, guess what? It takes two to tango, bitch. 
2. You refused to hold hands or kiss me in public "because it's PDA". I realize that we've gone through that embarrassing phase, but we're now way past the PDA stage. And guess what? HOLDING HANDS AND KISSING IN PUBLIC IS NOT PDA. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We're not Frenching each other in public, are we? What the fuck is the big deal? Or are you ashamed of being seen with me in public? I need a girl who'll attend to my needs emotionally and physically. I would have loved to attend to yours, but you were more prudish than a Mother Superior, so because of that, you felt like you were some sort of sex slave or something. Fuck that. 
3. I think this would carry over to 'having a healthy libido'. Because damn it if I catch another block of ice. She has to be faithful, but not afraid to go wild with me and probably be open to experimentation too. So kinda like a virgin who's a slut for me alone. Not very realistic, but a man can dream. I'll take the next best thing.
6. Tactful. 
1. This ties in with #3. How can a a girl get along with my family and win their affection if she's crass and brutally frank like you?
2. I don't need a nagger, and I don't need someone who browbeats me to follow her "suggestions", then throws a bitchfit when I don't.
3. Actually, I think any normal girl with a socially-acceptable upbringing would realize the value of tact, instead of, you know, insisting that you're just like that, and fuck people who misunderstand you. No, fuck your stubbornness.
7. Maalaga.
1. This translates to 'caring'. You're like a bro with (tiny) tits. All rough edges and all. It made me learn to appreciate your softer moments, but you're still too rough. You're right, I prolly need a girly-girl or some shit.
2. It'll be hard to have a girl who strikes a balance between caring and submissive. I wouldn't want another mother who smothers me and shit.
3. This really makes me feel loved and valued.

Negotiables:

1. Drinks tea/coffee. Funny realization: the fact that you don't touch the stuff limits our activities together when we hang out. I mean, who the fuck doesn't drink tea or coffee? How can we hang out? We're just stuck eating frozen yogurt even when I need to caffeinate myself.
2. Eats pizza/burgers. Ditto. Everybody likes that shit. I'm not saying we'll be eating and drinking this shit all day everyday, but come on...
3. Reader. I've always liked readers. It makes them intellectually superior to those who simply read one-dollar romance novels marketed to lonely housewives and bored maids. You hate to read. 
4. Does martial arts. Active, at least. Martial arts is a huge plus. Preferably karate, taekwondo, tang soo do, or a similar striking traditional martial art. It's a fetish of mine.

So there you have it. I think what you need is someone who'll act as your puppy. Someone who'll wear a leash for you and follow your every command. Well, I'm sorry. That's not me. (I have something called a backbone, oh, and a pair of balls.) More power to you and good luck on your search, but I'm not the one you're looking for. 

Heh, funny thing. It took me 3 years to finally open my eyes to this truth.