Zombie Unicorn

Ever been so mad you skull-fucked a zombie unicorn? I'm that pissed. And I'm in the process of planning said skull-fucking event. 

The bane in my life is not beggars with a sense of entitlement. It's not religious fanatics who have taken a shit on critical thinking and reason. It's not even bacon-hating self-righteous hippie vegans. It's the zombie unicorn. 

This piece of shit zombie unicorn cunt is a mass of decaying carcass and runny corpse juice. Its horn is razor-sharp and entangled with rusted barbed wire. Like any other unicorns, seeing it is a rarity, and only virgins can encounter it. 

I rarely see this fucker. It comes at the most unexpected of times, creeping in the shadows, just beyond the reach of the light. And when it senses an opportunity, in a flash, it breaks into full-gallop. Before my mind has a chance to process what's going on, it nicks my ass with its patented Unholy Horn of Untimely Disaster. By the time a curse forms on my lips, it is back in the safety of the inky shadows, probably cackling like a douchebag. 

Normally, the cut heals with little event. Sometimes though, the rust on the barbed wire makes the cut gangrenous, and I find myself battling pain extending beyond that of a minor cut - on rare occasions, blood poisoning.  

And there are also times when the zombie cockface unicorn barrels into me full-throttle and skewers me in the gut with its Unholy Shitty-ass Horn of Untimely Disaster, tittering like a mischievous schoolgirl all the while, and then tramples on my face as I lay on the ground pouring life-juice from my fresh gash, most probably blubbering like a little bitch. 

Fuck this shit, this motherfucker thinks it can keep fucking me over? I'm so pissed at this ass-guzzling shitface that I have a plan.

I'm going to catch this unclefucker. And when I do, I'm going to pay all the shit that it's given me back in full - with interest so high, it'll make Indians, Chinese, and Jews wince. I'm going to tie it up spreadeagled on the floor. And I'm going to get to work on it with a straight razor. I'm going to tear off its skin inch by inch, and then I'll piss all over its raw, bleeding skin, and then rub rock salt on it. Then I'm going to break every single bone on its body slowly before kicking its guts into a bloody pulp so that it'll do nothing but shit and piss blood for a year. After that, I'm going to saw its Unholy Shitty-ass Horn of Untimely Fucking Disaster off, cover it in honey, stick it in a fire ant hill, and then plunge it up its asshole. LIKE HOW IT FEELS, GRANDMOTHERFUCKER?! And finally, after seeing all that I've done to it, I'm going to gouge its dead little eyes out and SKULL FUCK HIS WET LITTLE SOCKETS. 

After mounting its head on my den, I'm going to slice its fat, useless corpse into ribbons, smoke his meat, and sell his flesh to those gullible Mainlander cunts and make a killing. AND THIS SHALL BE A LESSON TO OTHER ZOMBIE UNICORNS THAT I AM NOT A MAN TO BE FUCKED WITH. WHEN LIFE GIVES ME LEMONS, I'M GOING TO SQUIRT LEMON JUICE IN ITS EYE, PISS IN ITS MOUTH, AND MAKE HIM EAT SAND. FUCK YOU, UNCLEFUCKER.